I woke up that morning excited. At 10 weeks and 4 days pregnant we were scheduled for our first ultrasound. We were going to see our baby for the first time! I got up early and followed the directions the nurse had given me at my last appointment, which included drinking two full 8oz glasses of water... and then NOT using the bathroom. AT ALL. Why they think pregnant women need any help filling their bladder is beyond me... After successfully gorging myself on water, we noticed we had a flat tire. I waited, not very patiently, for Kaiwi to patch the leak. {Insert pregnant woman springing a leak joke here} Well, I finally got on the table for the ultrasound, and the nurse noticed how full my bladder was. She told me to go use the bathroom and to never drink water before an ultrasound again. That tip came in handy, since we ended up having about six ultrasounds with Isaac. Isaac is our first child, so the whole experience was new to us. We watched as Isaac moved and jumped around. The nurse pointed out all the good things about him- his hands, feet, his strong heartbeat. She never mentioned anything was wrong, and we, not knowing what to look for, never suspected anything. I am grateful to her for not telling us anything at the time. She allowed us to enjoy seeing Isaac for the first time without worry or sorrow. Whether she did it on purpose or just didn't have the heart to tell us, I am grateful. We sat in the exam room looking at Isaac's pictures while we waited for the doctor. At one point Kaiwi pointed out how Isaac's head looked flat. I agreed it looked weird, but didn't worry much more about it. Then the doctor finally came in. This is where it gets hard... Our doctor came in the room, shook our hands, and told us he had looked at Isaac's pictures. I remember thinking, "Isn't he cute?", as if anyone could really tell any distinctive features on a 10 week old baby. The doctor sat down, looked at us, and said, "There is a problem..." A problem? Everything stopped. I mentally braced myself for what he was going to tell us, thinking that whatever it was, we would deal with it and do whatever we needed to do. I don't think I braced myself enough. He told us to look closer at Isaac's head, and to notice how the top portion of it wasn't there. He called it Anencephaly, which basically means "no brain", and said that Isaac would not live. He gave me a hug while saying several times, "I'm so sorry". I was still processing... "No brain? How can that be? He was moving, his heart is beating! Doesn't the brain control those things? I think this doctor is wrong. Maybe our baby will still live. Maybe he will be handicapped, I don't care, I'll take care of him..." It's amazing how much can go through your brain in a short amount of time, but the doctor wasn't done giving us more to deal with. Now, I understand that he, being a doctor, had to present us with all the "options". I wasn't ready for it, though, and I still can't believe I had to hear it. I honestly don't even remember exactly how the doctor put it, because I don't think he ever used THE word. He didn't have to though, because all three of us understood what he was saying. ABORTION I am pro-life. My husband is pro-life. I never, NEVER, thought I would ever have to make that choice. I never thought it would even be a choice, but as soon as our doctor presented termination to us, we had to give him an answer. We had to make a choice. I think I was in shock, and maybe Kaiwi was as well. I looked at him and he looked at me and neither of us knew what to say. Our doctor saw our struggle, I think, and gave us another option- come back in one week for another ultrasound to be sure. He made it clear though that by another week I would be nearing the end of the first trimester, and that abortion would be harder in the second. We made the appointment for the next week. I held it together until we got out of the door of the building, and then I lost it. Kaiwi had to guide me through the parking lot to the car. I cried all the way home. As soon as we got home and talked about it, we both said to each other right away that we didn't want an abortion. The next few days were rough, having to tell family and a few close friends. Kaiwi went back to work but I couldn't. I took the rest of the week off. To those of you who prayed for us in the very beginning of our finding out, I want to thank you. I don't know if I have ever expressed enough how much your prayers helped us. I honestly felt your prayers. God gave me a strength and a peace that is beyond my understanding and I know it was on behalf of your prayers. Thank you. There is much more to share about Isaac's story, but it would be too long to fit into one post, so I have several more to post soon. Isaiah 43:2-
"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."
3 Comments
Tracie Bauman
2/10/2014 07:06:00 am
I have typed and deleted this comment several times because there are so many feelings I want to share with you, Marie, but don't know how. As I type them, I don't know if my words can adequately express the joy and the sorrow I have for you. I can only say that I appreciate your sharing your journey through this unbelievable time in your life. The love you have for sweet Issac is obvious as well as the love you have for our Lord. I only hope that if the Lord calls me through an experience that is as painful, that I would be as victorious as you and Kaiwi have and that my life would glorify Him as yours have. I rejoice that one day I will get to meet Isaac- hug him, and say how blessed I was to be able to pray for him and for his mommy and daddy.
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Renee Sorg
2/10/2014 07:47:01 am
Isaac is in heaven with all the knowledge of his mommy and daddy's unconditional love. You choose to continue the life of one of Gods little ones. He knows how special his mommy and daddy are. As much as we long to have had him here to hug and kiss, and watch grow, we know God doesn't make mistakes.
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About Us...Welcome! My name is Marie, and I have been married for 5 years now. We have one beautiful son, Isaac, waiting for us in Heaven and another son, Hayden, here with us! I hope to share with you more about our journey- where we have been and where we are going. Archives
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